I can’t explain it, you know- why I feel this way.
I feel like I’m trapped in my own head and I can’t even make out my thoughts.
I feel as though life is rushing past me and I’m running as fast as I can, but still can’t seem to keep up.
I feel like my heart breaks a lot easier now and my emotions won’t stop flooding me.
I feel like people are getting a lot more judgment from me, all the while God is teaching me the art of compassion.
I can’t explain this to people, yet everyone wants an explanation.
Are you struggling with any sin? No.
Are you angry with God? Nope.
Are you looking in all the wrong places? Maybe.
Are you lost? Completely.
But here’s the thing: in the midst of all this confusion of where I am and how God is reshaping my heart, I still know He’s there. I still feel His presence, and maybe even more now. At first, I thought I couldn’t find Him, but I was looking in all the wrong ways.
I was asking my friends instead of just asking Him.
I was finding ways to keep me happy, instead of asking Him for joy.
I was testing and trying my own faith through challenges, instead of asking Him to do it for me.
My head is spinning constantly between this realm of ‘where am I?’ and ‘Jesus, I can feel Your arms around me.’
Although I might be completely lost in life, spiritually, I am right where my Savior wants me. I can’t explain it, this being lost, but I know what I feel.
I can’t put down in words why my heart is constantly breaking, but I feel that it always is.
I’m not depressed- in fact I’m very fond of life.
I don’t get anxious, because I never leave His presence.
I am not overwhelmed with sadness, just feeling the deep compassion for a hurting brother or sister.
I will try my hardest to put into words this season I have entered- but I just don’t think it will ever make sense to you. or me.
but you know, that’s okay.
God doesn’t have to make sense- in fact, did He ever make sense?
We can’t guess His decisions before He makes them, but we trust in them.
We can’t pinpoint His sovereignty, but we know He is good.
We can’t determine His decisions, but we walk in His promises.
We know He is always faithful, just, and wise.
Maybe in this search of why I am going through what I am, and why I’m viewing people as I am, He is teaching me more about His heart.
It makes absolutely no sense, but that’s okay, because I can trust in being lost with Him.
- M. G. Hibbard.